Birthing & Motherhood: Doesn't always go as planned
58It's amazing how as women we have defined ideas of how pregnancy, birth and motherhood should play out. I had my own idea how the whole cycle should work. To start with getting pregnant with morning sickness and swollen feet and then being miserable at the end of the pregnancy. Then giving birth would be a slowly escalating contractions till needing to go to the hospital and then having a natural (non epidural) child birth. Then I would take home my sweet bundle and breast feed and cloth diaper and be a wonderful mother while keeping up a similar pattern of work and what not as I had before giving birth. Well things never turn out as we think that they should.
My Pregnancy
I had thought for the longest time that I was never going to have children so I hadn't thought that I would become pregnant. Then our pet rabbit suddenly started to bite at me out of the blue. No bites where it hurt me, but he was definitely agitated. Well a few weeks later my period was really late so I took a home pregnancy test ... POSITIVE!! I was so excited I called my hunny into the bathroom calmly wanting to show him something. He almost passed out he was so shocked, although extremely happy. As my pregnancy progressed there was no morning sickness none of the normal ailments. My feet swelled and hips started hurting the last few weeks. Yet it was easy sailing and I was starting to think "Geeze this is a piece of cake."
Birthing
I started having contractions one morning as I drifted in and out of sleep it was a nice thought that soon I would hold my baby. After a full day of intense lower pelvis pain with contractions 20 minutes apart or so still nothing. I was pretty put out, but went to my Dr and found out I was 1 cm and 70% effaced. Nothing to be excited about, but I was a little excited. The next day I stood up at my hunnies Doctor's appointment and wet I went. I was thinking great either I am peeing myself now.
Soon I was at my Doctors office to get checked to see what exactly this fluid was. I was asked to lay down put my legs in the straps and wiggle my butt to the end of the table. I did so and as soon as I lifted my butt to wiggle down GUSH all over the table and dripping down to the floor. Well I guess that decides that. I was checked into the hospital and they put me on pitosin ( there went my drug free natural child birth ). Quickly my contractions went from non existent to every minute for 40 seconds. The contractions some how radiated from my left hip and slashed at my lower back while I was trying to relax. Ha Ha HA!!
Needless to say I finally gave in and asked for an epidural. As soon as I received my epidural the babies heartbeat dropped with each contraction. They attached internal monitors to her head and still her heartbeat would go down with each contraction. I was whisked off to surgery and was given a C section. After my C-section I was in recovery impatiently waiting to go to my room so that I could see my little girl. As I was wheeled down the hall they stopped by the nursery and let me see her and put her on my chest for a minute all swaddled then it was to my room for me. I didn't see her again for 4 hours.
Motherhood
As soon as I was holding my warm sweet little bundle in my arms I decided to start trying to breastfeed and the latching issues began. The staff even gave me a Medela shield for my flat nipples still no real good latch. She was a terribly sleepy baby and would soon fall off to sleep. Even with the lactation specialist although she latched well she didn't feed because she drifted off to sleep so quickly. A whole 36 hours after having a c-section my baby and I were discharged from the hospital.
We were home soon my little girl turned into a sleep snatching fussy bundle of aggravation. I was sleep deprived and trying my hardest to get her to BF, diaper, and calm her best I could all the while trying to snag a few meals. I got the first appointment with her Doctor. When we got there the doctor went ballistic over her weight. She had lost 1 lb since birth, which since she was an 8lb baby was a normal thing for Breastfed babies. She made a huge deal about it and said that she had to be supplemented with formula right away. Then finished off our visit by saying she was going to call DSS to have them come out to our house to weigh her.
I made it to outside the doctors office before I totally lost my mind and tears ran freely down my face I could feel my heart breaking thinking " Oh my gawd!! I am a terrible mother... I have hurt my child.. They are going to take my child because I was breastfeeding and my body hates me" Then I tried to get her to latch after her first bottle and she only sat there and screamed at my breast. " I am a bad mother... my baby even hates me ....should I even get attached with them going to come take her.... I want MY mommy."
I was turned inside out. I looked at myself in the mirror and jumped. It was no wonder the baby was seeming to reject me even though newborns eye sight it bad there was no way she could have recognized the mask of sorrow that my face had turned into. My eyes were swollen into bug eyed slits and my completion was pale as ivory with smudges under my eyes , in my cheekbones and right under my lips. My lips were not their normal nice pink color instead they were tinted blue like I had seen on people who were sick. Then and there i knew part of my babies distress it was because I was so distressed. I needed to relax and calm down and take it a day at a time.
Two days after the initial Doctors visit it was time for another visit. This time we confronted her about DSS. She said she had never said that. Then went on to explain that she had to call DSS to get Medicaid to pay for a nurse to come out and check on my babies progress so she wouldn't have to come in every day. Internally, I wanted to strangle this Doctor for putting me through all that trauma and with her being a woman who had had a child herself. I told her she had made me think that DSS was going to come to my home and steal away my child. She responded oh no you should have called me when you didn't understand. I could have smacked myself in the head at the udder stupidity of her comment, why would someone call a Doctor that had just told them they were going to call DSS on them.
As the weeks went on I started feeling better and my baby started growing in leaps and bounds on the formula. Smaller issues of diapers, pooh, and spitting up filled my days. I became used to holding her more relaxed that she was mine and no one was going to take her and I could love her. She in turn started to become more calm and relaxed. Now she is a rather quiet baby she knows her routine, since she still doesn't let you know when she is wet, change the diaper and then we eat.
She is currently 7 weeks old. She has learned to click when she wants more, more food, an encore of her favorite song, or more goofy faces. She moves her legs trying to get them under her to get going while pushing up on her arms, when she gets those coordinated she will soon be crawling at sonic speed. She sleeps 6 hours at night, which all I can say is THANK YOU. She is 12.5 pounds of sweet loving baby, which with some diaper changes you would think she was full of it.
I am working 32 hours a week with her by my side. I am tired. I often have a sore back since it can't get used to her weight since she is constantly getting bigger. Sometimes she wakes up before I have had enough sleep and I one eye half way opened try to get her bottle in her veracious mouth while she whips her head back and forth like some starving stray dog.
Even though nothing turned out the way I planned, I have a wonderful beautiful warm bundle of joy which I love with all my heart. All of the heartache and trauma of the first few days of being a mother will fade in time although for now they are still an ugly red scar which is slowly healing with every growth and developmental stage my baby meets. It was all worth it and I am here to say to all those first time mom's out there even though things don't ever turn out the way we have dreamt that they would since we were young women give yourself a hug and remember we are all human and we can only do the best that we can. We are mothers through all the trials and tribulations we are our child's calming force to sooth and love them through out their lives. Interestingly enough there is defiantly a learning curve to being a mother, even though I thought knew how and it take a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Amazingly we figure it out and gain the title of mother.
